Posted the other day....on a site my daughter created.."Friends of David Dawson" on facebook.....
This is a Blog about grief and the loss of a child and how a mother copes daily . I want to share my feelings and help others through their grief while I go thru mine. My son was almost 22 when he died. A beautiful and amazing light in the world. I dedicate this blog to him and all the others who were the loves of their parents lives.
Monday, August 22, 2011
What's next?
I think I am going to start putting in messages left for or about my son. It comforts me to know that 2 1/2 years later people are still writing. I realized David was a friend like no other. People said whether you knew him for a minute or a lifetime he was impossible to forget.
Posted the other day....on a site my daughter created.."Friends of David Dawson" on facebook.....
Posted the other day....on a site my daughter created.."Friends of David Dawson" on facebook.....
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Lift me up Lord!
I guess sometimes its physiological. I am drained, scatter brained, empty, a bit confused and foggy in the brain today. My body feels him missing even when I am not thinking about him. Its such an intense loss it can not be described or dealt with easily, it just takes over and you feel like a lost soul. Nothing matters, nothing is the way it was its as if you are looking at whats left from the third person. Your life and your home and your clothes and your things and your friends and your bills and your family and your job everything is where it was ...but you are not there, he is not there and whats missing is all that really mattered ...sadly I took it for granted that everyday would not be everyday with him in it.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
We will stand together, we will hold each other up, we will band together we will not fall and not give up!
Mothers and fathers who have lost their child , we must unite in mind and spirit, we must stand strong and hold each other up in prayer and in love and in every way we can think of. We must draw near to our source and share it with each other in whatever way we can. We will learn compassion and strength in a true and deep healing way and become an army of Gods love and power for those who join us in this unimaginable place we find ourselves in and for those who simply need true love and compassion.. God is seeing us through. I am not sure why we weren't spared the pain but if we must go on let us go on knowing that he leads us through this valley of the shadow of death and there is nothing left to fear. We will march on with a limp but we will survive this and with faith find our way.
I don't know why we are called together in this grief but we are now a family, an army, and united force that is able to deliver Gods comfort, his loving kindness, his compassion, his resurrecting power both for our children and ourselves.spiritually here on earth. We must blindly if need be, even as we weep, even as we limp, even as we feel anger and despair, we must march on into our destiny and follow where he leads us and know he is with us.
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K7WPPLNX
I don't know why we are called together in this grief but we are now a family, an army, and united force that is able to deliver Gods comfort, his loving kindness, his compassion, his resurrecting power both for our children and ourselves.spiritually here on earth. We must blindly if need be, even as we weep, even as we limp, even as we feel anger and despair, we must march on into our destiny and follow where he leads us and know he is with us.
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K7WPPLNX
Monday, August 15, 2011
Another mother suffers....
I met two woman several years ago who were friends. We met through business but we liked each other and always said lets get together, lets go to church. Of course life is so busy we merely stayed in touch as best we could which was hardly at all.
First my son died in February, I went and told her and her husband and they cried for me and comforted me the best they could, then one of the other mothers daughter died right after mine, I believe in May , and now her best friends son, the third woman lost her son this July. Its unfathonable, its hard nor to say "where were you God ? We all love you and trusted you to fill in the gap for us.
Its hard to be consoled by the ones who have not lost a child, but even now I cannot find the way to console. No words can comfort, no words.
Reveal your self to us, we want to know what this is all about. How is it that even before we knew it you brought the three of us together. What do you want us to do for each other. We are all barely breathing, barely walking, our minds and our bodies are in a fog and disjointed way. We are empty and tortured, what do you want with us.
What are we supposed to do with all this love we feel for the children we can never again hold or scold or curl up with on the couch. What do we do with our love so that it doesn't spoil or dissipate. How do we
find a place to stand and trust and hear from you . How do we comfort each other Lord? I am speechless.
First my son died in February, I went and told her and her husband and they cried for me and comforted me the best they could, then one of the other mothers daughter died right after mine, I believe in May , and now her best friends son, the third woman lost her son this July. Its unfathonable, its hard nor to say "where were you God ? We all love you and trusted you to fill in the gap for us.
Its hard to be consoled by the ones who have not lost a child, but even now I cannot find the way to console. No words can comfort, no words.
Reveal your self to us, we want to know what this is all about. How is it that even before we knew it you brought the three of us together. What do you want us to do for each other. We are all barely breathing, barely walking, our minds and our bodies are in a fog and disjointed way. We are empty and tortured, what do you want with us.
What are we supposed to do with all this love we feel for the children we can never again hold or scold or curl up with on the couch. What do we do with our love so that it doesn't spoil or dissipate. How do we
find a place to stand and trust and hear from you . How do we comfort each other Lord? I am speechless.
Toast Mother
Toast Mother
Why am I here? Sometimes I just wish that God would take me, gently, peacefully, almost without notice. Its not that I feel suicidal, just empty with lack of purpose. I don't feel like anyone particularly needs me around., not really.
My daughters have their own lives. I seem to be almost out of date or something. They continue to create their adulthood, for the most part without me. Not that they don't love me. They just don't seem to need me much. I feel like I am in the way and annoying sometimes.
My grandchildren will carry on and almost remember me kind of, if I were gone, snipits and giggles maybe of silly times we had or times in the garden, like we all do. But I am not sure it would have a devasting effect on their lives either.
The sun would continue to shine , the moon would rise.
I lay on my bed sometimes thinking, "please God take me home to be with him. " "Please take me home. I just want to see his face and feel his hug and hear his voice again. I just want to make sure as he would say "we're all good momma dukes".
Why did I treat everyday with him like everyday would always be there? Why didn't I fully experience every juicy moment with him when all he wanted was me and my full attention? Why did I get so angry with him just being a boy? The whys and why nots, the if and if only's.. little words cripple me now.
Years before he died I could not even talk out loud and finish the sentence, "if something ever happened to one of my children..... I, I , I can't even say it," I would say.
Now my biggest fear realized, I am left to create a new world that does not include my sweet boy. How will I fill it . what will I do with the love that was meant for his lifetime? I am not afraid of much, not the dark, not dangerous places , I just am not. I am not afraid of anything that could hurt me more than this.
He used to crawl in bed with me every morning before school, even when he was a teenager. He would have these long, cold, clammy toes and wrap his long legs around me almost to annoy me and I would yell at him to take his feet off me. He would say "nooooooo, don't you know you are toast mother?" You are always warm and toasty and I come to you for warmth."
When he was small, I would slowly turn and look deep into his eyes and put on a blank scary face and say in return....with a deep voice...."I am not toast mother....I ....AM....ZOMBIE MOTHER"....and we would wrestle and laugh and play until we both felt that relief that only laughter and joy bring at the end as a special added bonus. Oh to feel that sigh that speaks volumes of stress that just melted away and brought everything into perspective and love to the forfront where it belongs.
One thing for sure, this experience has left me fearless in some ways. What could hurt me more than this loss? I am much less attached. What do I own that could take his place? I am stronger. I believe I am courageous in some ways, trying to make it through the day without crying or aching or wishing I was there with him.
There are times I want to dig up the dirt with my bear hands and climb into his grave and just be....toast mother for eternity.
My daughters have their own lives. I seem to be almost out of date or something. They continue to create their adulthood, for the most part without me. Not that they don't love me. They just don't seem to need me much. I feel like I am in the way and annoying sometimes.
My grandchildren will carry on and almost remember me kind of, if I were gone, snipits and giggles maybe of silly times we had or times in the garden, like we all do. But I am not sure it would have a devasting effect on their lives either.
The sun would continue to shine , the moon would rise.
I lay on my bed sometimes thinking, "please God take me home to be with him. " "Please take me home. I just want to see his face and feel his hug and hear his voice again. I just want to make sure as he would say "we're all good momma dukes".
Why did I treat everyday with him like everyday would always be there? Why didn't I fully experience every juicy moment with him when all he wanted was me and my full attention? Why did I get so angry with him just being a boy? The whys and why nots, the if and if only's.. little words cripple me now.
Years before he died I could not even talk out loud and finish the sentence, "if something ever happened to one of my children..... I, I , I can't even say it," I would say.
Now my biggest fear realized, I am left to create a new world that does not include my sweet boy. How will I fill it . what will I do with the love that was meant for his lifetime? I am not afraid of much, not the dark, not dangerous places , I just am not. I am not afraid of anything that could hurt me more than this.
He used to crawl in bed with me every morning before school, even when he was a teenager. He would have these long, cold, clammy toes and wrap his long legs around me almost to annoy me and I would yell at him to take his feet off me. He would say "nooooooo, don't you know you are toast mother?" You are always warm and toasty and I come to you for warmth."
When he was small, I would slowly turn and look deep into his eyes and put on a blank scary face and say in return....with a deep voice...."I am not toast mother....I ....AM....ZOMBIE MOTHER"....and we would wrestle and laugh and play until we both felt that relief that only laughter and joy bring at the end as a special added bonus. Oh to feel that sigh that speaks volumes of stress that just melted away and brought everything into perspective and love to the forfront where it belongs.
One thing for sure, this experience has left me fearless in some ways. What could hurt me more than this loss? I am much less attached. What do I own that could take his place? I am stronger. I believe I am courageous in some ways, trying to make it through the day without crying or aching or wishing I was there with him.
There are times I want to dig up the dirt with my bear hands and climb into his grave and just be....toast mother for eternity.
Notes from Earth to Heaven: How do I let go.....
Notes from Earth to Heaven: How do I let go.....: "Met an indian guru at a friends house. I asked him about how he views my sons death. He said that we are all given an alotted time on this..."
Notes from Earth to Heaven: Serenity Sonnet for my Son
Notes from Earth to Heaven: Serenity Sonnet for my Son: " Sonnet of Serenity for my Son
Which stands over his grave in a frame made for me by my nephew, lovingly.
..."
Which stands over his grave in a frame made for me by my nephew, lovingly.
..."
Serenity Sonnet for my Son
Sonnet of Serenity for my Son
Which stands over his grave in a frame made for me by my nephew, lovingly.
Frebruary 22, 2009
David Daniel Dawson
Which stands over his grave in a frame made for me by my nephew, lovingly.
Dear David,
I asked the Lord to let the sun warm your resting place just as you warmed so many hearts, I asked that the birds sing their songs to you each and every day with music that is pleasing to you.
Let the sunset , like a blanket tuck you in at night,
and the moon be your nightlight with a glow that reminds you that you are never alone, that God is with you.
and the moon be your nightlight with a glow that reminds you that you are never alone, that God is with you.
Let the stars be your party lights and the sky be your concert hall as you dance thru the universe with total freedom and joy, and ride on every shooting star!
Let your life be impossible to forget. Let your memory rise with the sun every morning to all who knew you. Let them never forget who and how you were and what you stood for.
Let them grow in Unconditional love, unity, acceptance, kindness, gentleness, joy, taking up for the underdog, encouraging the sad and lonely, making people feel better having been in their presence, peacemaker , full of forgiveness, and love of family.
Let them follow your lead, knowing that in your short life, you did what very few have managed to do, hard as they might try, rich or famous, you did it effortlessly...you’ve changed the world for the better. Your life truly made a difference to so many, leaving them better having known you.
My child. My love, my heart. You are my sunshine. We will always be two peas in a pod!
Lexi will always be your peanut!
Lord, keep him nearer than near, dearer than dear, let him never ever feel fear, forever and ever, amen.
Frebruary 22, 2009
Loving Son to One Mother,, Loving father to his one and only, loving brother, loving grandson, loving cousin, loving nephew , loving friend to so many. He was true, kind, joyful, encouraging, forgiving, and amazing., he was family to everyone who knew him. He had a love that few know how to express or feel
Sunday, August 14, 2011
How do I let go.....
Met an indian guru at a friends house. I asked him about how he views my sons death. He said that we are all given an alotted time on this earth. He said it was pre ordained for him to be here only till now. That he brings his good deeds with him into the next life free from all that he suffered from and begins again. that I must release him and be grateful for the time we had together.
I wish I had not taken one day for granted. I wish I had some kind of idea of the temporary stay we all have with no guarentee of tomorrow.
I wish I wish I wish
I loved you with all my heart son
I wish I had not taken one day for granted. I wish I had some kind of idea of the temporary stay we all have with no guarentee of tomorrow.
I wish I wish I wish
I loved you with all my heart son
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Notes from Earth to Heaven: Toast Mother
Notes from Earth to Heaven: Toast Mother: "Why am I here? Sometimes I just wish that God would take me, gently, peacefully, almost without notice. Its not that I feel suicidal, just..."
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Ecclesiastes 3:4
Today I begin to prepare for a beautiful wedding. No sorrow has permission to show itself. No looking to the past. Nothing but joy ! Saturday my little girl gets married to a wonderful man.
Her hopes and dreams have come true as she moves into her future with hope and love and anticipation.
Her sister by her side we have our first celebration since the funeral.
Its her turn to shine and explode with happiness! I am so glad for her. We are so blessed to receive this wonderful man into our family. He is kind and gentle and funny and caring and smart . He adores her and he will make a wonderful husband and an amazing father. He is heaven sent!
Saturday we celebrate. We dance and enjoy prayers answered and dreams realized. Her brother in heaven and the angels will lift up her day! Saturday will be heaven on earth .
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