Notes From Earth to Heaven

Sunday, July 22, 2012

He used to bring me Dandelions

He used to bring me dandelions, we used to make wishes, we'd lay in the grass and turn clouds into creatures, and tell stories and sing songs. The rain seems to be bringing out my tears today. It suddenly seems so long...since he's been gone and and everything is as it should be, seemingly ordinary. I guess that's the lesson in life. There are no ordinary moments, mondane does not exist, children are a joy and a gift to be enjoyed with every breath. Everything else is so unimportant, a busy day of errands, a clean house, work, financial stress, all nonsense. I am overcome with grief today, not just the loss of my son but the realization that I never fully enjoyed him while he was here . I never fully knew him or tried to understand him fully. He was my teacher, I guess he still is. He was my joy that boy, and now I can only try and recall it all and vow to never forget.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Friends and Angels

I took Lexi to Benjamins Beach during the week. She was playing in the water when a little eight year old boy started splashing with her . She said "Wanna be friends?" (Something her daddy would have said) The little boy said "Sure" .
After they played for awhile I said "Friends usually know each others names. Don't you think you should share your names?
Lexi said," I am Alexis."
The boy replied...
"I am Angel". When we returned home, there was a big white feather on the lawn". Message from heaven to earth you suppose? How I wish David was here to enjoy his daughter like I am.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Searching for Christmas

Ever since my son has passed I guess I have become as sensitive as an eyeball.  I experience things differently and look for my son in everything, everywhere.  It just isn't the same without him, but I try and see things as if we share them.

I also have this thing I do each year since being an empty nester.  I ask Jesus to show me true Christmas and allow me to experience it in a special way. 

I had gone on Christmas house tours and church and christmas pageants, and all of that.  And last night one of the songs in the pageant when there was no room at the inn, was sung...."No room?  and I thought, there still seems to be no room for Jesus in our Christmas.  I always wish there was more time to get ready, to buy, to cook, to room just to focus on Jesus, no room.

This year, I have had so many glimpses of Jesus with me.  I just got word of a new position that I wanted....on Christmas.  I was so excited and preoccupied and self absorbed that I forgot an appointment I had set up to show an apartment.  I guess I had dismissed the man the day he made the appointment to see it when he asked if it had a bathroom.  I thought he was drunk or pulling my leg.  I put the appointment off two days and he called my office looking for me. I almost cancelled because I had Christmas shopping to do and it was Christmas eve.  I hadnt done any because of my finances but used money given to me by friends.  I had to make it fast, I was running out of time.

I rushed over to meet him.  He was old, and cold, and wearing a light jacket and carried a gift bag, with what I am guessing were toiletries or christmas gifts.  I apologized aa he commented how cold it was outside.

Little did I know he was sleeping outside for days waiting for this appointment and a chance to be indoors again.  I wasnt sure how he became homeless.  Was he a drug addict, a drunk, did he do something wrong?
Should I go inside alone with him?  I asked if he had money for the apartment.  He said yes.  I said three months were needed and he pulled out cash from his little bag, only enough for one months rent, no security and no brokers fee. 

I called the Landlord and told him he was cold and homeless but had a pension and after christmas we could get the rest of the money and see where we were at with him, but that my heart told me to ask if he could let him stay indoors.  He was quick to agree, and said you take half of the month rent for commission I will take half for the first months rent and we will see what happens after the holidays.  He said you are right, we must sometimes follow our heart and it is Christmas eve.

I looked in his eyes and the scripture "Do these for the least of these and you do it for me" 

I gave him the good news.  But he had no bed, no food, no clothes or towels or anything.  So I called a social worker I had met who lived in queens for advice.  Instead, her and her husband packed up a futon in her truck and she on her christmas eve jouneyed out to deliver it.  I spoke to two friends and together we bought him everything he needed to move in....except a toaster...I forgot the toaster.

But was so amazing is that this social worker and I had just become friends and worked on housing someone else who had a brain injury.  When she saw this man, she said "Where did you find him?"  I said, "He saw the sign and called.

She said I think he suffers from alzheimers or  something, I think I can get him eligable for a program to help him with his rent.  His had shakes and doesnt remember anything I say.  He can't remember the code for the door.  He is going to get locked out.

I said lets go inside and talk to him about this.  We knocked on the door and he answered because he couldnt set up the futon.  We helped him.  He hugged me and said I think Jesus sent you to me.  I replied, no I think Jesus sent you to me.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Listening to O Holy Night in a department store full of mayham and nonsense I am especially offended since you died.  Everything seems so ridiculous, so meaningless, so robotic, so besides the point. 

I think until a tragedy hits we are just robotic, sleep walkers who buy into the insanity of consumerism and think we are experiencing the holiday season. 

Oh how I miss you.  Your life was so sacred. so beautiful.  You were my Christmas everyday.  You were my love and my peace and my joy that God had blessed me with.  Every day should have been a celebration, a holiday, a special occasion.  You were so special so full of love and kindness.  I try so hard to hear from God and maybe even you.  I look for signs.  Yesterday I was behind a car that had plates that said
Psalm23D.  Was that a Sign D avid.  Another day a plate said Peace.  Was that you?  I was told feathers are signs and pennys are signs.  Was that you?  Or am I just desperate to connect with you.

I love you AND look forward to meeting you again in heaven

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


my daughter found an old school project of my sons from when he was twelve.......

He was an old soul full of love

David's School Project from 2000 - He was 12

by Genesis Suchan on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 7:22pm
written by david dawson
My role in the family is the negotiator. I make sure noby fights a lot. If they do fight, I make sure there's some type of agreement at the end. It is important that I carry out this role because I don't like when people fight. When I help negotiate, everybody likes me and each other.

My family means a lot to me. They help when I'm in need it and I do the same for them. They make sure I'm safe and fed every night. Whe their in need, I'm there for them. I love my family and love me too.

My sister Genesis has taught me some very important lessons. One of the most important lessons I have learned from her is to never shoot anyone's dream down. While my sister was younger, she was told she would never do anything important, that she was, "a jack of all trades master of none." Now she has the important job of teaching young minds biology in East Islip. When I was younger, Gen would encourage any dream I had no matter how wild it was. She let me believe that I could be or do anything I put my mind to.

The Dawson Family challenge, is a single parent household raising three children. My mother and father separated when I was a baby. We moved into my grandmother's house. Where we made our new home. It may have only been an apartment but it was home to us. While my mom went out to work, my sisters and I took care of our home. My sister, Genesis, became my second mom and made sure that I was taken care of. My mom had only a high school degree and no real work experience. She started from a very low paying job and worked her way up. Now she works for a leading international company. It shows you what one person can do if they put their mind to something that they believe in. My mom worked hard at working all day and raising us from diaper to diploma.

Out of control
Very nice people

I love you my son, so very much

Monday, November 14, 2011

Thru the eyes of his friends I still learn about my own child

I search through old posts about him just to feel close to him or meet him for the first time.   I am so frustrated.  I was so hard on him.  So wishing he could "get on the right track", thinking like a mother, like I knew best.  I am sad that maybe I never knew fully.  He was a bright and shining light, a kind and gentle soul, he lived life on his own terms his friends say, and he loved and cared for everyone he met.,  He was my love, my baby, my sweet child.

Here is another post from the past that makes me grateful I was his mother, even for 22 years.  I just wish I saw him completely .  I miss him so.

Monday, February 23, 2009

RIP..tearing me apart.

I found out last night, that a very dear friend to me as well as almost all of bay shore high school graduates died very tragecially. David Dawson. I remember the first day we met. How we met.

It was my freshman year and I was going up the stairs, lost in my high school. I was nervous and tripped and my books went flying. He saw the whole thing. He giggled a little bit and told me that he always wondered if it was possible to fall up the stairs. He helped me gather my things and walked me to class. He introduced himself and gave me a hug. Ever since then, him and I were close.

So many memories i share with him.
I carried him on my shoulders one day just because we asked me to.
David was not a short guy. He gave the best hugs, and always spoke in a calming voice. He had such a sweet spirit that no one could ever really hate him. He showed what it was like to live everyday.

I miss him so incredibly much.
And this is going to be so tough.

I miss my the kid who said he'd always be there for me
when I needed him. I miss the kid that said i could be his little sister.
I miss him<3
so much.

Rest in peace David. I love you. I miss you. This stinks =(

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Grieving the loss of a child

I havent written in awhile. Not much I have left to say that I havent already said.  he was extraordinary. My pain never eases. I feel lost in my life and can't even seem to muddle through these days.
I think I will post some of the things his peers said about him right after his death.  He was about to turn 22 and was a friend to all and a father to one amazing little girl who misses him as much as I do.

One of his best friends the day he died wrote:

David Daniel Dawson was a well known kid, from his high school antics to fixing your computer, or anything else you may need. Known affectionately to many as simply "Dawson", he was a kid with a bright and happy personality, and a disposition as cheerful as santa claus himself. He will be greatly missed, and i ask that you all come to at least one of the four viewing times and/or the funeral. I love you Dawson... Rest In Peace

dawson's death shows me how karma doesn't exist because there is not one bad thing i can say about him, he did everything and anything he could for people. he had no bad karma whatsoever. his death completely disproves an entire religion. i cant find anything bad to say about him at all and neither can anyone else. the memories and jokes and stories will stay with me forever and his legend will live on in each and everyone of us.

i'll never forget that contagious smile.

It's been three hours since I've been at your wake.. I'm still in shock, disbelief, hurt.. so many things going on inside of me. I can't believe it. I know we haven't talked for a while, but damn you affected my life in so many ways. I remember, having moved to bay shore in the 7th grade and being ignored for my first year, how in the eight grade.. you had came up to me, in home ec, and told me wh...y I was by myself.. how I was so beautiful.. then we had a tumultuous, yet fun, two year relationship after. My first boyfriend, my first love. You gave me the confidence to to not care about what others thought about me. You made me meet so many new and different people.. my God David, you had such a beautiful personality... I wish we could have stayed in touch. I will miss you so much and thank you for being in my life

I've posted on here before but I just felt like sharing something with everyone. I believe that Dawson was always to good for this earth, that he was a bird, a free spirit, that he is where he belongs even if it is hurting us. I was sitting in the airport yesterday waiting for my flight in Kansas when out of nowhere this little sparrow starts flying around inside the airport and lands on my lap.... The lyrics "his eye is on the sparrow, and he watches over me" came to mind. I believe in some way Dawson sent that bird to land on my lap reminding me that he is watching over me, and everyone else. He was almost everyone's best friend but now he is our guardian angel and I know he will do a good job of watching over us all.

i cant believe it...everyone knew david dawson...even if they didnt really know him. There was once a year book segment---it should have said...You know youre in Bay Shore see David Dawson. Bay shore will never be the same. RIP you will be SOOOO missed

If you met Dawson and didn't like him, it was because you were either trying not to, or because he hit on your girlfriend/ sister/ mother/ grandmother. He was a shameless ladies man, through and through and there are probably hundreds of girls out there with broken hearts after this tragedy. Though at times he was the funnest and most immature person ever, when it came down to it he was wise beyon...d his years. When he found out that he was having a child, instead of pulling his hair out and running around trying to figure out a way out of it, he was so happy and excited. He loved little Alexis more than anything in this world...his little peanut he would call her. I wish that I had found more time to share with him, because I was truly blessed to have met him and for him to call me a friend. I can't think of any other person in our community that left such an impact on so many people. All of Bayshore is in mourning right now because we have all lost a great friend.
What can I say, we grew up together, saw him almost every day for 4 years at one point. Always made me smile and somehow made FYE looked so much brighter on boring slow days. Always a happy loving caring person with compassion and respect. He was no more a stranger then someone's mother and father. Bugging me everyday for airheads, and playing DDR. He was their for everyone and was truly a legend of Bay Shore, and many other towns. God only knows how far his dorky ways have reached and touched so many. Dawson you were truly a great man.
i'm goinna miss our drives around the block with jeffy. ill miss our talks. ill miss your happy and positive personlaity. ur smile and your laughter. u made eveyone feel loved and happy to be alive. why did this happen?
unconditionally. The same way he loves you. I wish I had the priviledge of meeting David and thanking him personally for his kindness and compassion he displayed to my daughter. Some of you will have to wait until you have children of your own to know the gratitude I feel towards David. Some already know. I send sincere condolences to the Dawson family, especially David's mom who had the hono...r of carrying David in her womb while God was forming his whole being. I also thank her for raising a son who was not afraid to do honorable things despite peer pressure all around him. I am so sorry for your great loss. I close this with great love, sadness and anticipation. God Bless you. I am Mommy K.
I can't believe this happened. So many of my childhood memories involve David. I wish I could thank him for making school bearable with his ability to cheer anyone up. I'll miss him a ton and send my condolences to his entire family.
Dawson was such an amazing person and father.. he loved his daughter soo much.. he was such a nice guy.. no matter what mood i was in he could always make me laugh and brighten me up.. u could never be in a bad mood around him.. im gonna miss him so much and im sure everyone that has ever known him will miss him dearly.. Rest In Peace Dawson !! we love youuu
I miss him so much,
from the moment we met he showed me what a big brother was.
His hugs were something i cherished and the conversations we could carry on.

I really wish this was just a dream.
Rest in Peace david♥
i miss you so incredibly much.
These are just a few for now.  THey make me proud they make me weep, i feel so drained its time for sleep