A mother's grief

How does one go on after losing a child? 


How does one weather this indescribable , horrific and  unimaginable , life devouring tragedy. 


Like an insurmountable  tsunami , it overtakes the soul, ravenously spewing and slamming and swallowing what little was left of us in our grief and what was once our world , regurgitating a sea of mixed, raw emotions and lifeless unfulfilled dreams.


Rising up ,raging waves of pain come upon the soul  without warning. Consuming, and thrashing and sucking the life out of every thought and action, it leaves behind hopelessness, sorrow, helplessness and disbelief in its wake.


Memories strung and left in the sand of the heart , limp and almost unrecognizable, past, present and future dreams are broken  and swallowed by a sea of pain.


"If only's" looming everywhere coming in and out and  at the shore of our tear ducts,  clouding all that we see and can't see , like seaweed and broken shells and remnants of misplaced belongings that once adorned a castle overlooking a majestic view. 


Sharp regrets and fingers pointing,  hard to grasp. like glass too sharp to handle  stabbing and piercing the heart and distressing our footing and balance, leave us feeling weak.


Planks of what was once a vessel that carried our trust , our hopes,  our dreams,  our faith of something much larger than ourselves,  protected, suddenly  seem abandoned , merely splinters left behind.


The precious child  is suddenly swept up and seemingly snatched up by a force more powerful than a mighty ocean, and one is left to drown in sorrow.  The lightning from the raging storm is blinding and shockingly electrifying, causing all sleep to vanish.  One is kept up through the night tossing and turning, ebbing and flowing with thoughts  of desperation and a  cry for help one moment, wishing to be taken to be joined in death the next.
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When and how can one come to the point of a peaceful acceptance and welcomed surrender? How does one recreate their brokenness, emptiness  and  devastating loss to experience even for a moment or day or season a partial restoration, healing and wholeness? When will the world stop its mundane dance of  busy ness in front of me, even just for a moment  and feel the vacancy,  Consciously honor that life that was lost , so I know they see how my child lived and mattered and acknowledge soberly that  the world will never be the same again without him.  When will the sun shine again within . 


How can one experience the absence of this child who was woven in the fibers of their mothers' being and from their fathers seed.

   This child , quietly growing, heart beating with the pulse of the universe ,beckoning to be born , restless limbs pushing against the walls, to enter this life and to grow and create transcendance for mankind perhaps and change the world, even in the slightest way.  This child hides in the intimacy of the secret place and the safety of the womb, waiting  for their appointed time to explode with breath into being and realizing the fullness of their destiny and true potential.
The death of a world, of a universe happened to all of us when that child died, we need to grieve the loss of this child and their  potentiality.  We need to mourn what the world lost, what could have been created thru their realm of being. this life was sacred.  this life was unique and brilliant and full of love and promise and hugs and smiles and help and hope and kindness and laughter and true purpose that only that child could fulfill. 


Ineffectively I try to find the words to tell you how I am feeling,  trying to take ""my personal self out of it"  so that maybe I can help someone who has no words tell the others who have not lost a child, "I am grieving, I hurt, I can't be silenced or soothed by those who have not shared this journey and try to fix this.  Be a listening ear, a kind nod, a comforting whisper, a warm embrace but please don't tell me its time to move on.  Don't give me advice unless I ask for it, and please count and consider your words. Sometimes silence expresses more completely since this life could not possibly be put into words without losing something in the telling.  It and he was too magnificient and unique for you to try.  Please don't use cliques like "God won't give you more than you can handle",  "Things happen for a reason", Its time to pick yourself up".  Just be compassionate and comfortable with me talking about it and don't shut me out when you feel awkward or tired of hearing about it.  Be there for me if you can or send a card , but please help me grieve, don't shut me out or tell me it will get better.  Just find a way to help me through. S hare stories and laughter and let his memories illuminate through your recollection.  I say this for each and every one of our children, I mean this for all of us.  I am sorry for your loss and mine and the worlds' loss.


This first blog while dramatic still doesn't free me from my deepest groaning , so I write this as a futile exercise in trying to bring what is deeply felt to bring it to the surface. For those who care to share and to read my blog Someone said to me heartlessly right after my son's death..."where is your God now?"  For now I am focused on  now, just now, for now is all I can manage.  Until I see a glimpse of heaven, the  God I choose to believe in is there in the midst of my storm. I can't always see him in the darkness, I can't say I'm done saying "where were you?"  But I am leaning on someone who is holding me up and giving me courage to breathe and walk and live through another day.