Searching for Christmas

Ever since my son has passed I guess I have become as sensitive as an eyeball.  I experience things differently and look for my son in everything, everywhere.  It just isn't the same without him, but I try and see things as if we share them.

I also have this thing I do each year since being an empty nester.  I ask Jesus to show me true Christmas and allow me to experience it in a special way. 

I had gone on Christmas house tours and church and christmas pageants, and all of that.  And last night one of the songs in the pageant when there was no room at the inn, was sung...."No room?  and I thought, there still seems to be no room for Jesus in our Christmas.  I always wish there was more time to get ready, to buy, to cook, to bake....no room just to focus on Jesus, no room.

This year, I have had so many glimpses of Jesus with me.  I just got word of a new position that I wanted....on Christmas.  I was so excited and preoccupied and self absorbed that I forgot an appointment I had set up to show an apartment.  I guess I had dismissed the man the day he made the appointment to see it when he asked if it had a bathroom.  I thought he was drunk or pulling my leg.  I put the appointment off two days and he called my office looking for me. I almost cancelled because I had Christmas shopping to do and it was Christmas eve.  I hadnt done any because of my finances but used money given to me by friends.  I had to make it fast, I was running out of time.

I rushed over to meet him.  He was old, and cold, and wearing a light jacket and carried a gift bag, with what I am guessing were toiletries or christmas gifts.  I apologized aa he commented how cold it was outside.

Little did I know he was sleeping outside for days waiting for this appointment and a chance to be indoors again.  I wasnt sure how he became homeless.  Was he a drug addict, a drunk, did he do something wrong?
Should I go inside alone with him?  I asked if he had money for the apartment.  He said yes.  I said three months were needed and he pulled out cash from his little bag, only enough for one months rent, no security and no brokers fee. 

I called the Landlord and told him he was cold and homeless but had a pension and after christmas we could get the rest of the money and see where we were at with him, but that my heart told me to ask if he could let him stay indoors.  He was quick to agree, and said you take half of the month rent for commission I will take half for the first months rent and we will see what happens after the holidays.  He said you are right, we must sometimes follow our heart and it is Christmas eve.

I looked in his eyes and the scripture "Do these for the least of these and you do it for me" 

I gave him the good news.  But he had no bed, no food, no clothes or towels or anything.  So I called a social worker I had met who lived in queens for advice.  Instead, her and her husband packed up a futon in her truck and she on her christmas eve jouneyed out to deliver it.  I spoke to two friends and together we bought him everything he needed to move in....except a toaster...I forgot the toaster.

But was so amazing is that this social worker and I had just become friends and worked on housing someone else who had a brain injury.  When she saw this man, she said "Where did you find him?"  I said, "He saw the sign and called.

She said I think he suffers from alzheimers or  something, I think I can get him eligable for a program to help him with his rent.  His had shakes and doesnt remember anything I say.  He can't remember the code for the door.  He is going to get locked out.

I said lets go inside and talk to him about this.  We knocked on the door and he answered because he couldnt set up the futon.  We helped him.  He hugged me and said I think Jesus sent you to me.  I replied, no I think Jesus sent you to me.

I

Holidays

Listening to O Holy Night in a department store full of mayham and nonsense I am especially offended since you died.  Everything seems so ridiculous, so meaningless, so robotic, so besides the point. 

I think until a tragedy hits we are just robotic, sleep walkers who buy into the insanity of consumerism and think we are experiencing the holiday season. 

Oh how I miss you.  Your life was so sacred. so beautiful.  You were my Christmas everyday.  You were my love and my peace and my joy that God had blessed me with.  Every day should have been a celebration, a holiday, a special occasion.  You were so special so full of love and kindness.  I try so hard to hear from God and maybe even you.  I look for signs.  Yesterday I was behind a car that had plates that said
Psalm23D.  Was that a Sign D avid.  Another day a plate said Peace.  Was that you?  I was told feathers are signs and pennys are signs.  Was that you?  Or am I just desperate to connect with you.

I love you AND look forward to meeting you again in heaven